2-Life

How we found our way to our lives after losing our parents while young.    

When I lost my mother when I was turning 15 years old, I did not know when or how I would have a reasonably stable let alone a happy life.  Almost 3 years out, there continue to be moments of sadness but also joy.  In February 2021, deep in the coronavirus pandemic, I realized I was doing reasonably well, and so asked myself,  how did I get to this point? After I wrote a paragraph in response, I wondered what others with similar experiences would  write and so I reached out and as you can see below we have a lot of different perspectives. I've started the list with my own paragraph and then those of others. If you wish to make your own contribution, see the instructions at Share your perspective.

Acknowledgements: I found the free emplate for this website at https://html5.net. The abstract art that I've placed next to each contributed entry was generated by 1SecondPainting, a deep neural network. 

Contributions

Akiva Kohane, Newton, MA

When my mother passed away, I practiced the days of grief according to Jewish law. This let me mourn and collect myself. However, after those early days I did not want grief to consume me. It could have done so all too easily. I chose not to ruminate and deny my life and instead chose to do what I thought was healthiest for me: Returning to the rhythms and activities of my “regular life.” This helped me the most after my mother passed because it brought a sense of normalcy. I was able to receive comfort from what I still had while still noticing the obvious changes. It reminded me that I still had so much while holding close the memory and love of my mother.

Carey B. Goldberg, Brookline, MA

I was 28 when my mother was in the car accident that ravaged her brain and ultimately took her life, but what I felt inside was something like a baby's wail, an "I still need you! You can't go!" I spent several months present and involved in my mother's care -- she was in a vegetative state -- but my father, who was heroic in his daily care with her, encouraged me to go on with my life and live out my dream of reporting from Moscow. So I did, and really, the greatest balm was to be massively distracted by a very busy and exciting life, and to know that this is exactly what my mom would have wanted me to do. I still cried often, but at least most of my time was focused elsewhere. I also found the most comforting phrase anyone said to me was "The size of our loss now is equal to the size of the gift we were given."

Sophie, Paris, France

My friends and actually school work and sports (horse riding) helped me cope with that terrible very sudden loss (from one day to short coma to death March 1 to March 4 1980). The challenge with sudden death is that you cannot help to dream or hope that it did not happen. You cannot fully absorb it for years...and frankly it is such a shock to everyone that no one can really help anybody. Doing well in my life and thinking that my parent would be proud of me helped me continuously. But I never was able to mention my father at any event although he is always with me. Also I often think that I am so fortunate to be alive and well that I really cannot ever complain. I have tried to educate my son to appreciate how lucky he is to not have that challenge and how grateful he should be for life in general

Irwin James Frankel, St. Louis, MO

My father Sol was an MD and loved his family. But he worked long hours to diagnose and care for his patients. At 15 I was just getting old enough to appreciate his world when he was taken by a heart attack. My mother was an old style homemaker. She did not drive and did not know how to even write checks and pay bills. Dad did that. So mom learned to drive a car and I took over the finances. I was good with math so understanding the finances was easy. It was a fast start but gave me meaning and purpose. Mom and I were a team. We had many wonderful years together. I do wish that my dad had been around for the many important events in my life, graduations, marriage, kids, grandkids. But I know he would have been proud.

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Eric Perakslis, Hingham, MA

My father passed from head and neck cancer when I was 19. His disease occurred quickly, and he went from a healthy distance runner in the month of May to passing just months later on Christmas Eve. Several things were helpful to me. I leaned heavily into my love of science and of caring for other people and this still sustains me today. Immediately after his passing, I tried very hard to remember his face and voice. This was extremely difficult as his cancer presented within the sinuses of his facial bones and the surgeries made him unrecognizable. At first, I could not picture him as he was when healthy. Years later, I cannot remember how he looked when sick. This process brought me great comfort and even purpose. Lastly, I eventually learned that my memories and love of him were mine and would never go away.

Anonymous, Montreal, Canada

I started reading more about religion and death and I found my religious beliefs were comforting and that led to more observance which brought me peace. It is also so important to spend time with family and support each other.

Nicholas A. Christakis, Norwich, VT

For me, coping with the loss of my mother, Lena Saranti, who fell ill with lymphoma when I was 6 and died in 1987 after many years of struggle (when I was 25 and she was 47), was made easier by the ways she helped me. Perhaps because my mother had so long to prepare, she had given a lot of thought to the sorts of advice she would give us as her death approached, and it made the transition to a life without her easier for me and my siblings. I suppose the advice she gave me was the same that others give to young people who are grieving, but it surely did help me to hear it directly from her. The message is this: You are entitled to have a good life, despite the heavy loss at a young age. When your grief abates, you must find joy. You should make connections with your siblings, father, friends, partner. And you should find some principles you hold dear, to live your life by.

Naima Shea, Santa Fe, NM

My Mother was just three months pregnant with me when he died in WWII. For me, my father was always with me. It was just a deep feeling of connection and love. And though I always missed his physical presence, he has remained alive within me. I don't believe ancestors leave us. I have learned a great deal from Daniel Foor of Ancestral Medicine.org.

Himansh , Odisha, India

Music did. More specifically, Eminem. Built up a Me Vs the world mentality. Used the anger to work on myself and worked on myself to get better. You never really get used to death though. I still haven't. It's weird. One minute someone is here and the next, poof, gone. I would advise people to accept that somethig life changing has happened. After the initial period, don't throw yourself to alcohol, drugs, or anything else. Nothing is going change what has happened. Do the right things, go to school, do well, and take care of yourself. It would be much easier to deal with death that way.

Patrick, Alexandria, VA

Our Catholic Parish was particularly helpful. We were new in town when my dad got sick and there were priests, but also other families, that reached out to us and created a community for us to help carry our burdens. My mom re-married not too long after my father’s death, and though that was considered taboo and inappropriate to some, my step-father never tried to erase my father’s memory or take his place. Sure, we had some major difficulties and even long periods of time where we didn’t speak to one another in my late teens and 20s, but he was instrumental in helping me as a young child grapple with the loss, honoring it and not diminishing its significance.

Morgan, London, UK

My aunt (his sister) who adored him, and was always there for me, not pushy but always available.

Emily Erikson, Santa Barbara, CA

I think the short answer is art but more specifically I remember two movies that really helped me: the Hunchback of Notre Dame (1939) and Manhattan. First they helped because they showed me that there will still things that were beautiful and funny in life, and second I think they helped because I thought my father must have also liked them, and they let me forge a renewed connection to him through shared memories, tastes, and culture.

Ben Thomas, Dallas, TX

My faith that God, my eternal Father, loved me and promised to be with me always.

Anonymous, Akron, OH

If i’m being honest nothing really. I had an overwhelming amount of support and love but felt as though the internal coping didn’t entirely happen until i had random moments of anger. Counseling sort of helped but I think what helped me cope the most was finding something I loved to do.

John Williams, Cardigan, UK

The attention and affection from one of my teachers in primary school, who was aware of the situation. She needn't have done what she did, but she did, and I'm glad, and grateful, as her actions, the actions of one person, did make a positive difference to me, during what was, in hindsight, a very difficult time.

Jeremy, Queensland, Australia

I'm not sure I really figured out great strategies for coping in the early years. I think it helps to just accept that grieving is normal, and it's OK if that last for many years. Hearing from friends and family their stories of time with my dad was really lovely. There are highs and lows. It's normal to have some good days, and some bad days - or even bad weeks or months. Although I'm not religious, I liked to think of how my dad would be proud if I did something good.

Shaindy Jacobson, New York City, NY

In the early fall of 1969, after a brief but terribly harrowing battle with leukemia, my beautiful, vibrant, beloved mother passed away at the very young age of 37. I was the youngest of five children, only seven years old. As you can imagine, in those first moments it felt as if our lives would certainly never be the same, or even remotely normal ever again. As I look back it is clear that the most important factors that allowed me to not only go on living and surviving, but actually thriving, were the deep-seated need to feel normal - not different! - than the rest of my social circle, and the strong and loving support of family and friends who made this possible. I was encouraged to really live. To laugh, have a good time, enjoy life, and not feel guilty for doing so. To cry when I felt the need, but not to become consumed by the sadness. To sing, play music, dance. Not to hide my mom's memory, but to speak about her and celebrate her life. If you're struggling with a loss, feel like you're falling, please know, you are never alone. We are all here to support each other. Just reach out. We will catch you.

Anonymous, Milford, NH

I was 21 years old when my mother passed. My younger sister was only 15 years old. I feel fortunate that I was able to grow up with my mother while my sister was robbed of that. It didn't feel real when it happened and still doesn't feel real some days now. She wasn't sick, she passed away unexpectedly. So, there was no time to prepare for grieving or processing the upcoming loss. My mother touched so many lives in her short 46 years on this earth. It was evident during her funeral. It was standing room only and it really made a profound impression on me as a young adult how one person could make a difference in so many lives. So as far as grieving goes, I don't think I ever really grieved; yes, I cried with my family and friends, but I also learned to celebrate the life lived. She left so many imprints along the way that she is always with me in whatever I do and wherever I go. It's just the new normal and has been since 1999. My sister and I always reach out on her birthday, mother's day, and the day of her death in remembrance of the wonderful person she was and still is to us.

Padman Gyan, Houston, TX

You never get over your parents death. You just learn to live with the pain. After so many years it is still raw and fresh. What helped me cope then and what helps me now is my deep sense of spirituality! I realized that the only way to survive in this world is to equip yourself with certain tools like meditation, yoga, volunteering etc which helps you to keep your balance.

Avalon, Ontario, Canada

It’s been a long bumpy road facing grief head to head. My childhood robbed, becoming a adult at 9. Now at 25 I recognize and reflect on how I raised myself over the last 16 years. Yes I had support, but never parental figures with unconditional love. What got me through was knowing my parents loved me and that they didn’t want to leave. I think of people who’s parents are alive that want nothing to do with them, abuse them, abandon them. My heart goes out to them, they are the ones who need the most love.

Anonymous, Newton, MA

The loss of my mother when I was 13 years old was incomprehensible and overwhelming to me. Growing up in New York City, while an amazing and exciting privilege, requires the warmth and Stability of family. Home was always the safe and peaceful respite from the overstimulation and never ending visual and internal expectations of Manhattan. The loss of my mother was destabilizing to be sure. I was —and am —an only child. My dad, while amazing man, was understandably overwhelmed by this loss. He had no idea how to be a single parent. We had to learn together. In order to restore peace and well-being and give me structure and consistency and the best education possible with the joys of community and adult leader ship… I went to boarding school. There I made lifelong friends. The Headmaster and his wife became like family to me as I became their babysitter. I saw my dad every weekend and we established a rhythm and a very special relationship. Horseback riding became my therapy; and eventually as a recognized Equestrian, I developed I love for my horse that is inexplicable. The opportunity to be in a bucolic town and amazing campus for school—surrounded by support, brilliance, and understanding was incredibly healing. I discovered a new version of family. While I missed my mom more than can be described, I found strength that I didn’t know I had. To this day, my friends are truly my family. Soon after I was married, my dad passed away. Our incredibly close and important relationship taught me so much about survival and a the longevity of love. I didn’t think I could survive without a parent. But having learned to count on myself and create an unconventional family helped me do so. My dad taught me to honor and respect myself and to really count on myself while inviting others “in”. As an only child, I had two choices. To buckle under the aloneness or to open my arms and my heart to the open arms and hearts of others who loved and love me. Perhaps this is why I grew up to be Clinician who has a passion for taking care of others. Perhaps this is why I grew up to be a strong, independent and empathic woman. Thank you for listening.

Ariella Charny, Tel Aviv, Israel

I lost my papa when I was 14 years old. He was an incredibly warm, loving person, the best dad. I lived in a blur throughout the time he was ill and for the year or so after, presenting a happy smiling face at school but feeling very alienated on the inside. What helped me cope over time where my bonds with my mom and brother, and keeping very busy through art, tennis, and dance... I was actually able to talk about all the sadness and despair with my mom, to hug and cry together, which I think helps relieve the soul. She made sure that I was very busy doing my favorite activities, driving me to lessons, encouraging me to stay active. My brother and I were close as well, even if we had very different ways of expressing our sadness. Through it all, we felt each others love for one another, and did the most important thing that our papa taught us - to care for one another.

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Share your perspective

If you lost a parent when you were young...

In retrospect, what helped you return to your life? If you can summarize it in paragraph or two and want to share with others, please follow this link to an online form that you can fill out. I then use that form to make entries into this website. On the form you can specify whether you wish to be anonymous or have your name associated with your contribution.

Support A Rare Resource for Parents with Cancer.

I am raising funds for a program at Massachusetts General Hospital: Parenting at A Challenging Time (PACT) led by Dr. Rauch. When my mother passed away, my father had many questions for Dr. Rauch including what to do about children who were not interested in getting counselling services. He told me that she provided very useful answers at a time of anxiety and uncertainty and also that the PACT website (https://www.mghpact.org/) had helpful content. This program does not charge for their service and therefore completely depends on donations. The PACT program has developed written resources for parents and children in English and soon in Spanish. For $2000 they can hire professional translators to create the same resources in many other languages (perhaps as many as 8). » Please donate here to create this resource (online and printed) for all those parents who need to help themselves and their children in the face of cancer. The funds are sent directly to MGH and are tax-deductible.